A Parent’s Guide to Body-Focused Repetitive BehaviorsCoping with body-focused repetitive behaviors: How to help your child thrive.
- GAB NEWS
- Feb 9
- 4 min read
If you’re a parent of a child who pulls their hair, picks their skin, or bites their nails, you’ve probably found yourself asking a painful and frustrating question: Why don’t they just stop?
Body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs), like hair pulling, skin picking, and nail biting, can take up a lot of space in a family’s life. Not just in bathrooms and bedrooms, but in conversations, emotions, and worries about the future. Parents want to help, kids want relief, and everyone is exhausted by the cycle of noticing, reminding, trying harder, and feeling discouraged.
For many families, the greatest struggle isn’t just the behavior itself; it’s the confusion, shame, and isolation that come with not having a clear framework for understanding what’s happening or how to help.
This month, as we release our new kids’ workbook, Free to Be Me with a BFRB, I want to offer parents a grounded, compassionate guide to what actually helps kids with BFRBs, and what doesn’t.
BFRBs Are Not the Whole Story
Children with BFRBs are not intentionally causing themselves harm, acting in defiance, or lacking motivation.
BFRBs serve a function. These behaviors are part of how some brains and bodies learn to regulate internal experiences—sensations, emotions, and thoughts. For many kids, BFRBs serve a purpose, such as soothing, focusing, or helping them cope with boredom, stress, or discomfort.
Of course, this doesn’t mean we ignore the impact. BFRBs can be embarrassing, cause discomfort, or lead to social avoidance. But when treatment focuses only on stopping the behavior, kids often absorb an unspoken message: Something is wrong with me.
A more helpful starting point is this: Your child is wonderful just as they are. The goal is not to erase a part of them, but to help them understand it, respond to it skillfully, and keep moving toward the life they want to live.
From “Stop” to “Get Curious”
In our work with children, we emphasize curiosity over control. Instead of asking why they won't stop, we help kids explore their BFRB.
Kids learn to become detectives of their own experience:
Who is around you when your BFRB appears?
What sensations, emotions, or thoughts tend to precede it?
When does the urge show up most often?
Where are you when your BFRB appears?
Why now?
Your child won't benefit from blaming or shaming. But they will benefit from compassion and understanding. When kids can see patterns, they gain flexibility of choice. And when parents join that curiosity rather than policing behavior, the emotional temperature drops for everyone.
Values Come First, Always
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One of the most powerful shifts for families is realizing that efforts to address a child's BFRB don't have to be the center of a child’s life.
In Free to Be Me with a BFRB, kids spend time identifying what matters to them: friendships, creativity, kindness, fun, learning, family, bravery—the things that really make them—them. They learn that even when urges show up, they can still make choices that move them toward who and how they want to be.
For parents, this often means learning to measure progress differently. Progress might look like:
Going to a sleepover even if urges may show up.
Raising a hand in class despite worries about appearance.
Playing, laughing, and connecting, without waiting to be “fixed."
The question shifts from “Did the behavior stop?” to “Is my child living more freely?”
Interventions That Help
Evidence-based treatment for BFRBs focuses on skill-building. Interventions include:
Building a positive sense of self.
Reducing shame, secrecy, and over-focus on the behavior itself.
Increasing awareness of early signals and patterns.
Supporting healthy routines around sleep, nutrition, and stress.
Learning self-regulation skills for sensations, emotions, and thoughts.
Using reinforcement thoughtfully, celebrating effort and skill use rather than behavior cessation.
Realistic progress is gradual. Kids do best when they practice one or two skills at a time, at a pace that feels manageable. Pressure, punishment, or constant reminders tend to increase stress, which often makes BFRBs worse, not better. Celebrate every small step.
A Message Parents Rarely Hear (But Need)
If you’re parenting a child with a BFRB, this is not your fault.
What matters most is the emotional climate you create: one of patience, collaboration, and belief in your child’s capacity to grow. When kids feel understood rather than scrutinized, they are far more likely to engage, learn, and take risks in the direction of change.
Free to Be Exactly as They Are
BFRBs may be part of your child’s story, but they don’t need to be the headline. With the right support, kids can learn skills, build self-compassion, and move toward lives filled with meaning, connection, and joy.
That’s what it means to be free to be—not because the urges disappear overnight, but because your child learns they are so much more than their BFRB. And, when they do, their BFRB will likely take up less space in their life.
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